Meet Our Staff



 

 Drew - Drew has been labeled ‘Vector Zero’ by scientists after giving infectious diseases to mosquitoes.
 
 

 Angel - Angel is preparing for any eventual apocalypse by saving just the marshmallows from boxes of Lucky Charms. It’s not a very good plan, but it’s still a plan.
 
      

 
 JasonJason found out the hard way that the saying ‘When in doubt, hug it out’ doesn’t apply in a court of law.

 
 Aaron - Ever have just one sock go missing? You can blame Aaron, the self-appointed 'King of the Sock Puppets'.  


Tim - Tim worked 7 years in a coal mine in the 1930s, teaching the canaries new songs to sing.  

 Ben - Ben is famous for saying ‘With great power, comes a free toaster’. No one really knows why.  
 

 Rob - Rob earned his riches in 1914 on the Vaudeville circuit as a ventriloquist until it was discovered he was just working with an angry midget.  

 Big Papi - Renzo toured with a dixieland jazz band until 1922, when a trombone injury forced retirement.

 
 
 
 Candace - Candace’s hair went permanently stark white and she never spoke another word after finding out what is really in the McRib.

 

 Kayla - If Kayla sees her own shadow, it means four more weeks of winter…if she doesn’t, then it means four weeks of toads raining from the skies.

 
 
 
 Kathryne - Kat was elected to general congress in Antarctica on a platform of greater rights for penguins. Many suspect voter fraud.

 

 Sean - Sean was awarded the Medal of Honor when he was only 12. It was a very rough cub scout camping trip.

 
 
 
 Keni - Keni always puts holes in his pockets, just in case he comes across anyone in need of a hole or two. 

 

 Chris - Chris will dress as a clown to crash children’s parties just to steal birthday cakes to resell on the black market.

 
 
 
 Amanda - Amanda spent four months in a Soviet gulag (as a interior decorating consultant).

 

 Kris - Kris is constantly growing new sets of teeth to replace ones lost in feeding frenzies.

 
 
 


…and now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the Online Sales Department!